Coldplay, "A Head Full of Dreams".

     What's vaguely inoffensive and great background noise for supermarkets, elevators, and anywhere a body might need distraction from their lack of self-awareness? That's right! It's a brand new Coldplay album! 

     I bought "A Rush of Blood to the Head" three times in hard copy. I have "Yellow" as a fixture in my set list when I play live. I've listened to a LOT of Coldplay. That said, I can't tell you a single thing they've said or written that I heard and related to. It's like their lyrics are are this weird jumble of vague ambiguities that could really apply to just about any situation without any necessary context. Like they'll say anything to get to that hooky chorus swell. 
     So to be fair, I listened to this album twice. Once as background noise to get a feel for the overall theme and structure of the album, and then again to really try and get a feel for the lyrical structure and production. 

     Track one, "A Head Full of Dreams" gives the immediate first impression of being extremely built up. I'm talking Tokyo. Just fucking see-it-from-space bigness. Like Tycho on steroids...with lyrics. What kinda lyrics? Fucking...weird ones. 
   
   "Oh I think I landed / In a world I hadn't seen / When I'm feeling ordinary / When I don't know what I mean." 

     Coldplay, nobody knows what the hell you mean. Go home, you're way too high on E to say anything worth repeating. But I'm sure that won't stop you from repeating yourself, or doing that "ohhh" thing you like to do so the crowd can sing along at your concerts...annnnnd there it is. And don't think I didn't notice you stealing that shitty guitar effect Edge uses in "Where the Streets Have no Name." Bono must be spinning in his grave. 

     Track two. Birds. Are we talking about chirp chirp birds, or slang for females? Uh. Fucking hard to say. The lyrics are...incongruous. "Come on rage with me" is sung as if he's asking for a dance partner. Granted, there aren't many instances of pop artists even using the word rage, but it's still frustrating to hear it sung totally divorced from anger. 

     Did they fire the drummer, and just get a machine? If not, I'm sure he's on life support somewhere, dying of boredom. Our thoughts and prayers are with the drummer's family. And what's going on with the endings and intros of the songs? 

     Track three, "Hymn For the Weekend". Noted. Don't name my tracks some pretentious bullshit just for the sake of being quirky...Was that Beyonce on the intro? Okay, Google....Yes. Yes it was. Just put her on the track and let HER fucking shine, you stupid prick. She's not a goddamn background vocalist, you snarky cunt! Wow, you had the most powerful woman in the charts on your track, and you buried her in the mix, and gave her no parts to sing? This is why your band is over. 

    "Everglow"...Did you literally phone this in? Was your iPhone reception so poor that you thought, "Oo, what a unique quality that is...we'll clean that up in post"? Pretty schmaltzy, fluff lyrics there, bud. What did you do with your time off?? 

     "Adventure of a Lifetime". Goddamn it. Alright, I'm fucking bored, irritated, and I can see through all of this. Did you take a little vacation where there were tiki torches and touristy music? This sounds like the worst parts of Modest Mouse had a really bad three-way with Justin Timberlake and 90's hip hop. (Which is kinda redundant, I realize.) 

     "Fun. (feat. Tove Lo)" Almost reflective. Almost thoughtful. If it were Christina or Brittany or even a boy band, I'd applaud the step up in writing quality. And yeah, okay, they don't/can't write their own lyrics, but that's not the point. I'm just saying, at about 3:26 in this song, you get a glimpse at what was probably the bare bones of this song. Everything else shuts the fuck up for a minute, and you see that somewhere in the molly and mire of 808's there was still a guy with a guitar trying to write something that he cared about. Sad. Just...fucking....sad. 

    "Kaleidoscope". Oh please, be good....nope. Spoken word. Not even particularly profound spoken word. 

     "Army of One". Betcha this is the single. Little bit of plagiarism from Pogo. OH FUCK YOU SO HARD!!! NO NO NO NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO. "Beautifulest"<-----Go fuck yourself, I'm not even gonna dignify the rest of this song with the use of my time. John Mayer would've done it better, and I'dve hated him less for it....maybe. 

    "Amazing Day". What exactly are you trying to be? Some kind of weird 1950's mash-up, doo-wop, modernized to the point of bleeding in my ears? I dunno. I kinda like it though. The song structure is at least solid. I'm pretty damn conflicted about it. 

    "Colour Spectrum". Oh, don't you wish you were Pink Floyd? 

     "Up&Up". Fine. Just hit the goddamn chorus already. There. Was that so hard? It's still not that good, but it's the best so far, so good for you. One song I actually am okay with. 

     Wait...that's the end of the album? That's all there is? 

     I am so sorry. Either have something catastrophic happen in your life so you have something to write about, or get someone who's still out there struggling with real life problems to write for you. You have nothing left to say from your platinum tower. 

1 out of 5 stars. Don't buy it. Stream it, steal it, find your favorite song, and then forget this album exists.